My Own Therapy

Since I have decided to do what I need to do and take life day by day- I have chosen my own form of therapy tonight. I had two wedding dresses and no wedding due to Joe's drinking and I have decided to wear one of the wedding dresses plus veil tonight while I watch family guy and Desperate Housewives.

After his family canceled the wedding, he always promised we would have one- much like he promised he would stop drinking. To make it more official than the judge that married us in my black dress. (shoulda been a sign). And I must admit, I wanted us to renew our vows. to recommit. and to at least have one damn picture of us together in traditional wedding garb. never happened and the amount of disappointment that consumes my heart is unquantifiable. My heart is broken. Optimistic at times that I will move on and sometimes I have hope that he will get it together. But I can't wait for him anymore. So now I watch the simpsons, drink pinot noir, and enjoy wearing the dress. Much like the episode of friends when phoebe and monica wear the wedding dress for Ross' wedding. Sounds silly, but so far its allowed for a sort of closure.

I am wearing the wedding dress I liked the least, so that some day when I do have a wedding to someone who wants my heart, I have one that I really want to wear. This one makes up for the lack of tradition. The lack of love in the marriage. All the broken promises. And the white provides a sort of comfort. That I can, in some odd way, have a wedding with a man who purely loves me- not a bottle. Its a nice way of letting go. The tears started to appear yesterday, but I wiped my eyes and went out. Enjoyed the company I was with and tried to move on in my life. I've spent so many nights at home waiting for him to call to come pick him up from a bar or to have to track him down so he doesn't drive drunk. Tonight I celebrate me. The fact that I look damn hot in this dress and that he missed out. He never tried. I did. And I can be proud of myself for that. I can let go of all the times I was told that I am not fun because I just wanted to go home rather than stay out and drink MORE. I have hope that someone will love me. Be proud to have me by his side. My laughter, my eyes, my orthodontia-enhanced smile, and my company. I have yet to experience that. And I yearn for that. For that love.

Yesterday I was talking with a friend and said that I have decided to never marry again and to just date and advance in my career. Almost become asexual. Let go of the idea of the two kids and thanksgiving dinners with the family. My friend called me out simply by saying, "but thats not who you are." and my friend was right. As much as I want to deny it, I want the two kids. My 4Runner, watching the wiggles, and enjoying the love of a family that is my own. I am so good at acting and being a ballbuster with my job, that I could not even reply to then comment that hit home and was honest. Its true. Thats not who I am. I am the girl you take home to mom. The girl that somehow has dated with ease and has always been asked out for a second date. I am something special and life is too short to let it go to waste.

So here I sit. In a wedding gown, veil, and armed with a large glass of wine. It may seem weird and bizzare to some, but to me it offers a sense of closure. Hell, I might even sleep in the damn thing. Cause wearing this dress with a formal ceremony and reception does not mean that its a fairy tale ending. But I am going to wear this and let go of my fairy tale. And my life as I know it. The few I have shared my situation with have been so supportive and I am so thankful for those friendships. They mean more than I can express. And I plan to take it one day at a time, but today means wearin the damn white dress.