The Crying Game

So no one knows I have this blog. And thats a good thing. Or people might know whats really going on in my life. I love my job, my marriage is over, and I am trying to figure out what the hell I do now. I was shocked when Joe announced he is an alcoholic but has to be "selfish during this healing process." Alcoholic? No Joke. Was it the DUI that clued you in? The fact that the day we got married you left me after I fell asleep to go drink at a bar by yourself.

More shocking to me was that all I have asked is that he spend time with me. He was always running around on the weekend and our schedules are so different. I just wanted a day. A day to spend time with him. Go see a movie. Go to one of the thousands of festivals that occur in this city. Anything. He said that he can't do that. And that hurts. Cause there is nothing I can do about that. And I feel like a failure. He never tried. It doesn't seem fair. Yes, I had left him before because of the drinking, but I had always been there for him. Sure, he was never there for me cause when a crisis struck, he would always hit the bar. But he never tried. Was never there for me. And now told me he cant even give his time. Makes a girl feel sooo tiny. So insignificant. And I have to keep reminding myself about all that I have accomplished and that I am a great woman. And the soon to be ex will always say that I have been a great wife. But the alcohol is his problem to deal with.

What's weird about this is that I have not been able to cry. I finally told a recently divorced woman at work that we had separated. Probably told her too much and this was the only time I even welled up. Other than that, its like my heart is so full of wasted love and hurt that I can't cry. I have decided to go on and start dating. And that has helped. Shows me that the way I have been treated was all wrong. And that most men dont binge drink like that. And his drinking patterns were NOT normal. I must admit, it feels nice that someone wants to spend time with me. And that can be watching football. Not at a bar getting drunk.

I know I need to move out of the house as right now we are separated and I have the Master and he has the upstairs, but I am so confused as to where I want to move in this city. And do I want to buy a condo instead of moving to an apartment? All the hurt and decision making is so exhausting, I have realized that I need to take this one day at a time in order to make the best decisions. I can't do it all in one day and do it accurately. So instead I go out and go on with my normal life and hopefully my mind will settle into a rational place so that I can make the correct decisions. People may thing I am crazy, but its thats best for me right now. And to me thats what's most important. Someone spent a year drinking and I worried about him. He didn't have time for me and its my turn to think of myself.

Whats funny is that since most people at work have no clue how old I am, when I told the lady we had separated and I had started dating again, she said she knew of the perfect guy. He's 45.
I almost fell over. She has no clue thats over twice my age. Haha. I appreciated the thought, as she is so sweet, but thats kinda creepy. He could be my dad. and thats too old. I have drawn the line at 36, since I have gone on dates with a 36 yr old and had a blast.

None of my girlfriends know what going on. Only my one and precious friend Brad. Cause we grew up together and he listens, gives advice, and doesn't judge. Its such a relief and so comfortable. I am so thankful he is my friend. And some might think its weird that I talk about this with a guy my age versus girls my age, but its what works best for me. Unless you have been married, you dont fully understand. And my girlfriends don't get it.

But here I am. Drinking my morning coffee and while typing this, I still can't shed a tear. And I am such a crier. Where are they? I know they will come at some point. Just makes me nervous as I dont know when that will be. Its all a game with them. The crying game.