Nostalgia is a funny thing

So I somehow erased my entire previous version. Damnit.

Basically, I was online today and came across a picture of Tide. Upon seeing the picture, a wave of nostalgia hit. Tide was going to propose and I broke it off. He never did a single thing wrong in our entire relationship, but there were a couple of polar opposite qualities that I couldnt handle. So I ended it all the while telling him that I didnt want to get married and I wanted to focus on my career. Of course, I met my husband on the night of Tide's brother's graduation party and was married nine months later.

Now, I dont have some sort of "Oh my goodness! I should have been with this man and must hunt him down in a crazy Lifetime Movie" way. I just saw this picture and felt the old memories. This was the man I spent almost every night with for 18 months? The one that my family and friends adored? The one whose family I loved and was so close with? This man was going to propose???? And I've made out with him??? lucky me ;-)

It was just all in all weird to see a man with who I shared such a past with. A man who I loved for half of my college life. And I will always love him as a friend and I know I could call him today if I needed his advice on anything. He is just that kind of man. The type of man that comes around once in a lifetime. I am just praying that the REAL one comes around. I need my twin, but with Tide's kindness, compassion, and thoughtfulness.

Since breaking up with Tide, my life has taken so many turns. I have learned so much and am a totally different person. I now have a better idea as to who I am. I can embrace my flaws, not that I dont want to improve and progress as a human being, but now I know I will never be perfect. I will never please everyone. I must do what I love and enjoy even if that means taking time to find out what it is that I actually enjoy. I am just thankful to have dated this man. I hate that I broke his heart, but he showed me how a woman should be treated. And his family showed me what real families and love are about. I needed to see all of this. feel that love. and though he was not to be mine, I know he deserves someone incredibly special. I just hope I find another man like him someday that I am compatible with. While I am taking time off, I can dream. Dream of the one that will love me and my flaws as Tide did. But this man and I will connect. He will not lie and not be an alcoholic. He will treat me as Tide did back during a time when my relationship was peaceful and a joy. I know I need to heal, but I look forward to being with the man that deserves me heart. I just wish he would get here.

Life is an amazing thing

So, I am just taking it one day at a time. This means that next friday I am going to masquerade ball. I am excited. Not certain how i feel about anything or anyone. The last week, for unspecified reasons, has changed me. My heart is a impenetrable fortress. Its going to take some actual prince charming to break through this barrier. And I know who wont be able to do it. And that sucks. You can meet a nice, sweet guy that makes you laugh, but even when you are with him, you wish you were with someone else. Someone that you connect with on a deeper level. Someone that you want to crawl into bed with and watch crappy movies with. Someone that you find attractive and want to take all their clothes off. someone you want to be there for when they have the flu or food poisoning. Who shares themself with you and you feel comfortable sharing yourself with him. I guess that I feel so confused. I thought I got it right by marrying Joe. I thought he was the one. I was wrong. Maybe I have screwed up decision making. Was he the one? or should I jut date for the rest of my life because the one is gone. Or was I wrong and joe not the one. Is the one still out there? and if so, how will I be sure this time? how will I know that my heart and my intuition are in the same place? How on earth will I EVER be able to trust again?

I think the worst part is night. Its dark and I feel so alone in this big king size bed. I wish I had the one I am supposed to be with next to me to keep me warm. Instead I have 4 fabulous dogs, but its not enough. They warm my heart, but I honestly yearn for the person who will worry about me for once instead of me always worrying about him. I take care of everyone. For once I just want to be loved. By an actual man who doesn't need someone to constantly watch over him and his addictions. Someone I dont have to pick up from jail. That would be fabulous. To go to bed every night knowing that I can trust someone to be there for me. Someone that wont bring me down without any regard to how actions affect anyone else. I know life is not perfect, but I want my happily ever after. I want someone to share life and th everyday mundane experiences with. I am far from boring and always give my opinion. I want someone that I admire and respect. Maybe I've had that all along, but didn't know it.

My Own Therapy

Since I have decided to do what I need to do and take life day by day- I have chosen my own form of therapy tonight. I had two wedding dresses and no wedding due to Joe's drinking and I have decided to wear one of the wedding dresses plus veil tonight while I watch family guy and Desperate Housewives.

After his family canceled the wedding, he always promised we would have one- much like he promised he would stop drinking. To make it more official than the judge that married us in my black dress. (shoulda been a sign). And I must admit, I wanted us to renew our vows. to recommit. and to at least have one damn picture of us together in traditional wedding garb. never happened and the amount of disappointment that consumes my heart is unquantifiable. My heart is broken. Optimistic at times that I will move on and sometimes I have hope that he will get it together. But I can't wait for him anymore. So now I watch the simpsons, drink pinot noir, and enjoy wearing the dress. Much like the episode of friends when phoebe and monica wear the wedding dress for Ross' wedding. Sounds silly, but so far its allowed for a sort of closure.

I am wearing the wedding dress I liked the least, so that some day when I do have a wedding to someone who wants my heart, I have one that I really want to wear. This one makes up for the lack of tradition. The lack of love in the marriage. All the broken promises. And the white provides a sort of comfort. That I can, in some odd way, have a wedding with a man who purely loves me- not a bottle. Its a nice way of letting go. The tears started to appear yesterday, but I wiped my eyes and went out. Enjoyed the company I was with and tried to move on in my life. I've spent so many nights at home waiting for him to call to come pick him up from a bar or to have to track him down so he doesn't drive drunk. Tonight I celebrate me. The fact that I look damn hot in this dress and that he missed out. He never tried. I did. And I can be proud of myself for that. I can let go of all the times I was told that I am not fun because I just wanted to go home rather than stay out and drink MORE. I have hope that someone will love me. Be proud to have me by his side. My laughter, my eyes, my orthodontia-enhanced smile, and my company. I have yet to experience that. And I yearn for that. For that love.

Yesterday I was talking with a friend and said that I have decided to never marry again and to just date and advance in my career. Almost become asexual. Let go of the idea of the two kids and thanksgiving dinners with the family. My friend called me out simply by saying, "but thats not who you are." and my friend was right. As much as I want to deny it, I want the two kids. My 4Runner, watching the wiggles, and enjoying the love of a family that is my own. I am so good at acting and being a ballbuster with my job, that I could not even reply to then comment that hit home and was honest. Its true. Thats not who I am. I am the girl you take home to mom. The girl that somehow has dated with ease and has always been asked out for a second date. I am something special and life is too short to let it go to waste.

So here I sit. In a wedding gown, veil, and armed with a large glass of wine. It may seem weird and bizzare to some, but to me it offers a sense of closure. Hell, I might even sleep in the damn thing. Cause wearing this dress with a formal ceremony and reception does not mean that its a fairy tale ending. But I am going to wear this and let go of my fairy tale. And my life as I know it. The few I have shared my situation with have been so supportive and I am so thankful for those friendships. They mean more than I can express. And I plan to take it one day at a time, but today means wearin the damn white dress.

The Crying Game

So no one knows I have this blog. And thats a good thing. Or people might know whats really going on in my life. I love my job, my marriage is over, and I am trying to figure out what the hell I do now. I was shocked when Joe announced he is an alcoholic but has to be "selfish during this healing process." Alcoholic? No Joke. Was it the DUI that clued you in? The fact that the day we got married you left me after I fell asleep to go drink at a bar by yourself.

More shocking to me was that all I have asked is that he spend time with me. He was always running around on the weekend and our schedules are so different. I just wanted a day. A day to spend time with him. Go see a movie. Go to one of the thousands of festivals that occur in this city. Anything. He said that he can't do that. And that hurts. Cause there is nothing I can do about that. And I feel like a failure. He never tried. It doesn't seem fair. Yes, I had left him before because of the drinking, but I had always been there for him. Sure, he was never there for me cause when a crisis struck, he would always hit the bar. But he never tried. Was never there for me. And now told me he cant even give his time. Makes a girl feel sooo tiny. So insignificant. And I have to keep reminding myself about all that I have accomplished and that I am a great woman. And the soon to be ex will always say that I have been a great wife. But the alcohol is his problem to deal with.

What's weird about this is that I have not been able to cry. I finally told a recently divorced woman at work that we had separated. Probably told her too much and this was the only time I even welled up. Other than that, its like my heart is so full of wasted love and hurt that I can't cry. I have decided to go on and start dating. And that has helped. Shows me that the way I have been treated was all wrong. And that most men dont binge drink like that. And his drinking patterns were NOT normal. I must admit, it feels nice that someone wants to spend time with me. And that can be watching football. Not at a bar getting drunk.

I know I need to move out of the house as right now we are separated and I have the Master and he has the upstairs, but I am so confused as to where I want to move in this city. And do I want to buy a condo instead of moving to an apartment? All the hurt and decision making is so exhausting, I have realized that I need to take this one day at a time in order to make the best decisions. I can't do it all in one day and do it accurately. So instead I go out and go on with my normal life and hopefully my mind will settle into a rational place so that I can make the correct decisions. People may thing I am crazy, but its thats best for me right now. And to me thats what's most important. Someone spent a year drinking and I worried about him. He didn't have time for me and its my turn to think of myself.

Whats funny is that since most people at work have no clue how old I am, when I told the lady we had separated and I had started dating again, she said she knew of the perfect guy. He's 45.
I almost fell over. She has no clue thats over twice my age. Haha. I appreciated the thought, as she is so sweet, but thats kinda creepy. He could be my dad. and thats too old. I have drawn the line at 36, since I have gone on dates with a 36 yr old and had a blast.

None of my girlfriends know what going on. Only my one and precious friend Brad. Cause we grew up together and he listens, gives advice, and doesn't judge. Its such a relief and so comfortable. I am so thankful he is my friend. And some might think its weird that I talk about this with a guy my age versus girls my age, but its what works best for me. Unless you have been married, you dont fully understand. And my girlfriends don't get it.

But here I am. Drinking my morning coffee and while typing this, I still can't shed a tear. And I am such a crier. Where are they? I know they will come at some point. Just makes me nervous as I dont know when that will be. Its all a game with them. The crying game.

separation sucks

so we've separated. again. except this time we are in the same house because the thought of moving for the 6th time in two years exhausts me. I am so sick of moving and I can wait til january to buy a condo and move one and for all or I can move for 6 months, get a condo, and move again. but moving 2 times in 6 months? yuck! I just want to be some where for longer than a year. and I havent had that is so long....

went on a date. it was nice. weird to be dating, but since things are over, better jump back in some time or another. spent last weekend at home moping. not that fun. spent last night at dinner and watching football with someone nice who didn't need to go to AA or have a DUI. very sweet guy. am starting to think sweet guys might not be a figment of my imagination. and am learning that sweet lawyers ARE a fantasy. 3/3 of the lawyers- egotistical SOBs. and thats putting it mildly. including the soon to be ex.

at least work is going well and I love my job. I am VERY fortunate in that regard. despite that I love my job, I have this never ending fear that my boss hates me. probably because he is extremely serious and that automatically makes me thing that he hates me. cause seeing him laugh is infrequent, but he is very nice. just hope I am not somehow screwing this up and that I am earning my keep at the company. had some ads published in a magazine that came out this week. tres excited. they look good.

thats really all for now. Just and interesting situation. I tell the husband that to be with him I need a.) quality time with him and b.) more sex. his response was that every man with a professional career does not have time to spend with his wife on saturdays and those that do are just trying to get in my pants. something, like common sense, tells me he is full of it.
just sad. I tried my best, but I cant make him sober or make things better. and I intend to have an actual wedding someday and wear one of those two dresses in my closet with a man who will take marriage and love seriously.

My little goodbyes

I AM GIVING UP ON MEN.

serisouly. this is no joke. I have even given GBJ the right to bitch slap me if I date anyone. My marriage is totally over and has been for sometime. I am sorry, mr. I, but I dont care about your trust fund. I do care about your alcoholism and your DUI from last week, so that was the last straw. ANOTHER call to bail you out of jail? hell no. so its OVER. and as it has been for awhile, I have been out on several dates. And yes, while I am still married, I have been treated like crap for a year and its about damn time that I was treated like someone special.

And these were with men I had dated previously. GBJ says its because I dont date people my own age- I like them with about 10 years on me. I have no interest in dating someone who still thinks he is in a fraternity even thought college has been over for him for a few years. no interest. I want someone more settled, like I am, in their career and in life. and the dates this past week have been awful. A major disappointment. so I am giving them up for awhile. and divorcing my SOB husband. who drank and drank and got a DUI after a law school function. OH the irony.

thats my rant of the evening.

thanks GBJ for all your insight and friendship.

UPDATE: this was a total irrational thought. I can't give up men. They are way too good to look at. 'Twas a passing moment of silliness.

What a little red bull and vodka will do

So everyone has one of those nights. THE night. where you go out on a hot date. and don't mean to, but somehow you end up totally trashed and trying to make the guy kiss a crawfish. sound totally random? well, that I totally am.

In my previous job, I was in sales. And worked with some of my most favorite bars in the city. As a result, I ended up getting to know an owner who invited me and my friends to a party and introduced me to a friend of his. The guy was older. Well into his 30's and seemingly too old for this belle. So when asked, I gave my number and wrote him off. He called monday to remind me of an appointment I had made with his friend and bar owner. Owing him big time, I agreed to go out to dinner with him that wednesday. I went, it was fun. more fun than I had ever expected, but hey! I like older men. Cause men are like wine. They get better with age. but not too much age.

So he called and asked me out again for friday. Man! was this guy on top of his game! no 3 day rule... just simple dating- as it should be. So I agreed. And as in normal Belle daily life, I purchased vino and when he came to pick me up, we drank. and drank. and drank. and somehow made it later to dinner after our reservations and I ordered some crawfish pasta that came with a decorative crawfish- which I vividly remember trying to get him to kiss. And then we went to the bar where everyone knows his name- and my client. And what do I do? drink red bull and vodka. A LOT of red bull and vodka. now, I must explain that this makes me hyper and CRAZY. like circus crazy. and I kept drinking. and next thing you know, I am giving a lap dance. IN THE BAR. and making out. and his friends are watching. and some lady tells us to get a room. and trying to undo his pants at the bar cause it seemed funny at the time.

Needless to say, I can't go back to the bar, even though its been over a year since that night. And having spoken with him recently, its funny how I look back on that night. I am so in control. top of my game 100% during the week. and on one night, I totally released the inner partier in me and it was fun. I always feel embarassed when I wake up the next morning and realize that I was out of control. Like I am a shame to all career oriented 20 somethings. but these are the crazy nights that make you laugh out loud when you are driving to work, stuck in traffic and a stuffy suit, and you suddenly hear a song or have a flashback that reminds you of the night in question. Those are the nights you replay in your mind over and over because while you got out of control and a little indecent, you had fun. And most of us dont have enough fun in life. we are too busy with work, school, family, or other obligations that we feel strapped to in society. so where is the happy medium? how can we be crazy and have fun on a regular basis while remaining in control? I am still trying to figure that out and every now and then, a little red bull and vodka helps.