Life is an amazing thing

So, I am just taking it one day at a time. This means that next friday I am going to masquerade ball. I am excited. Not certain how i feel about anything or anyone. The last week, for unspecified reasons, has changed me. My heart is a impenetrable fortress. Its going to take some actual prince charming to break through this barrier. And I know who wont be able to do it. And that sucks. You can meet a nice, sweet guy that makes you laugh, but even when you are with him, you wish you were with someone else. Someone that you connect with on a deeper level. Someone that you want to crawl into bed with and watch crappy movies with. Someone that you find attractive and want to take all their clothes off. someone you want to be there for when they have the flu or food poisoning. Who shares themself with you and you feel comfortable sharing yourself with him. I guess that I feel so confused. I thought I got it right by marrying Joe. I thought he was the one. I was wrong. Maybe I have screwed up decision making. Was he the one? or should I jut date for the rest of my life because the one is gone. Or was I wrong and joe not the one. Is the one still out there? and if so, how will I be sure this time? how will I know that my heart and my intuition are in the same place? How on earth will I EVER be able to trust again?

I think the worst part is night. Its dark and I feel so alone in this big king size bed. I wish I had the one I am supposed to be with next to me to keep me warm. Instead I have 4 fabulous dogs, but its not enough. They warm my heart, but I honestly yearn for the person who will worry about me for once instead of me always worrying about him. I take care of everyone. For once I just want to be loved. By an actual man who doesn't need someone to constantly watch over him and his addictions. Someone I dont have to pick up from jail. That would be fabulous. To go to bed every night knowing that I can trust someone to be there for me. Someone that wont bring me down without any regard to how actions affect anyone else. I know life is not perfect, but I want my happily ever after. I want someone to share life and th everyday mundane experiences with. I am far from boring and always give my opinion. I want someone that I admire and respect. Maybe I've had that all along, but didn't know it.